I'm a Bad Blogger...but starting Monday, I'll be a Great Patient!

There, I've said it.I know I haven't updated this thing in a month of Sundays. And I have a trillion excuses why, mainly just being overwhelmed by "real" obligations, such as planning and prepping for my mom's 50th bday party, at our house, for about 60 people. And then packing and leaving the next day for California to continue the festivities for a week. Oh, and stuff for my paralegal class. So fun stuff, but busy stuff. So I make no excuses or promises in regards to the upcoming activity on this blog, but right now, in this moment, I plan to stay more on top of it. Two reasons: one, I don't think it's fair to be nosing around in all your blogs and reading and learning without sharing my own nonsense, and two, Monday starts a whole new lifestyle for yours truly, and I'm going to need to stay on top of this thing to record my progress, setbacks, misery and elation. It's going to be radical and crazy and awesome and HARD.

That's because I'm going to start a new exercise plan AND a new diet plan. Before anyone is confused, let me clarify that "starting a new exercise plan" does NOT mean that there is another, old exercise plan currently in place. But San Fransisco and its godforsaken hills really drove home in a tangible way how very far I've let myself slide as far as my fitness and stamina goes. And now that the party and all the birthday hulabaloo is over and life is getting back to normal, I have absolutely no excuse not to be doing all I possibly can to get my body in the best shape possible. 

In addition, I now weigh less than I have in over 4 years, and I am actually physically feeling the difference my doctors always talked about in regards to nutrition/weight helping your body fight off infection. I felt pretty crappy for most of April after catching some random virus, and two weeks of my "golden pair" of oral abx provided little more than a quick boost and a bit of "insurance" when I was on vacation; within 48 hours of finishing the drugs, I was back to feeling crappy again. It's that weird, in-limbo "crappy" too, where I don't feel like I need IVs and I'm not miserable, but I still feel bad enough to consider fixing my hair a daunting task, and to really think about what else I will need to accomplish that day before I plan to meet a friend, so i don't end up too wiped out, and I go to bed with all of these grand plans of productivity for tomorrow but wake up feeling like a champ for simply shuffling into the kitchen and making myself eat something. 

I also feel just good enough to be at that point where I'm just sick of feeling bad and determined to do something about it (as opposed to when it's IV time, and - when I'm awake - I'm borderline excited because I feel there's really nothing else I can do and help is finally on the way!). Physically, mentally, spiritually - I'm tired of CF being in the driver's seat of my life. I want to be able to envision a future for myself without overwhelming apprehension and a compulsion to have plans B, C, and D (or C and F, if you fancy). I want to actually believe myself when I say I'll move out one day, and be able to handle everyday life on my own. I want to think long-term and holistically, and understand exactly why I'm still on many of my medicines, and exactly what the risk-benefit ratio is for each in regards to their affects on the rest of my body. I want to respect my body for all that it can and does do in spite of it's faulty makeup, rather than resenting it for all it cannot and is not. I want to feel like I am in charge of my body, rather than my body determining my "self". 

And so, starting Monday, my life will change pretty drastically. I will use this blog as a tool of accountability as well as, hopefully, education, both to other CFers struggling in similar ways and to non-CFers who want to understand the daily grind of the uphill battle called Cystic Fibrosis. I write the following and am owning these things  now so I can't come back and act surprised when it all hits, and to remind myself that I already knew it wouldn't be a perfect, pretty journey, but that my best is truly all I can do and all I can give my body, and all I can expect in return...

Monday, I will begin exercising. It will be painful, and it will be discouraging, and it will be embarrassing; there are times I will be unmotivated, frustrated, and stalled. There are times I will wake before my alarm with excitement to build health within myself, and there are times I will be quite proud of all I've accomplished, large and small. I will be pleased with some of my capabilities, and disappointed with some of my weaknesses. My body will not look in 3 weeks, 2 months, or 1 year the way I will expect and want it to. It may look better, it may look worse, it will look different. I will be ok with this; so long as I am doing all I can to partner with my body's efforts to function most efficiently, I will accept and be proud of what it will achieve. I will slip up; this does not mean I can or must give up entirely. Exertion and movement and strength are part of my lifestyle now; I cannot stop moving and expect to remain healthy any more than I can expect to stop eating and never become hungry.  

Also on Monday, I will begin consciously working to gain weight, and in a way that honors my body, rather than manipulates it with food-products that serve as an easy way out. This too, will be difficult; it might be expensive at times, it might not be delicious all the time, it might be inconvenient at times, to both me and others around me. It will be wonderful at times, going back for seconds without concern or savoring a wonderful meal. Sometimes I will have to eat and drink things I do not want to eat or drink. I will be nauseous. I will be contented. I will hear rude and thoughtless comments, and I will keep working anyway. I will hear compliments and praises; I will not rest on my laurels. I will be accused of behaviors I do not practice, and disorders I do not have, and I will keep working anyway. I will be the object of jealousy to friends who struggle with opposite problems; I will be humble and understanding as they lament how much easier my journey must be. I will have mixed feelings as I regain the weight; I will own them and work through them, I will not shop my way around them. 

All of this, as with any major life change, will initially be celebrated by those closest to me but eventually become frustrating and inconvenient. I acknowledge now that their words and actions will not be intentionally hurtful, and that they may not even be aware of their changed attitudes. I will not let my esteem for these people and my personal feelings of indebtedness derail me from doing what is best for me, as doing everything I can to stay healthy is a way of showing love and consideration for them, and myself. 

Here's to proactivity, responsibility, persevering, and results!