Live, from 6 Bed Tower

As I strongly suspected, I was admitted yesterday after my clinic visit. However, I did really open up to my doctor about all of the things I've been feeling lately and we had a really good conversation about my expectations for myself, etc. I've always had a pretty great relationship with him, but after our conversation I feel like he really understood where I was at mentally and emotionally, and he was very sweet about how hard I was being on myself, without even realizing it, which meant a lot coming from him since he has very high expectations of his patients in the self-care department...not one to to cut a lot of slack or easily take excuses for not taking care of yourself. 

I also came to clinic by myself yesterday for the first time. My mom usually comes along, not because I'm afraid to go by myself, but a) it's a long drive, and it's nice to have the company b) she's really big on the whole "having an extra set of ears" thing and c) the area around UNC, where I go to clinic, is just a cool place to spend the afternoon, so we usually just make a girl's day of it. But the last few times we've gone, while everything's been fine and we've had fun and all, I've just really needed to prove to myself that I can make the trip on my own. 

Having my first solo trip be one in which I'm admitted straight from clinic was oddly empowering. I went to P.F. Chang's and had a nice, leisurely lunch all by myself, then headed over to SuperTarget to pick up some mini-toiletries since I hadn't packed any and needed a few refills anyway. Got some hangy-outy clothes at Old Navy, and got the call that my room was ready. I parked, schlepped all my stuff in on my own, got all checked in and waited for transport. It was oddly very nice to be able - and HAVE - to do all of this on my own. That's not to say I didn't have a hard time, particularly when I had one of THOSE coughing fits in Target that not only sounds like you're going to toss your organs on the floor, but is utterly irrepressible. And then a few more. But I am so much better positioned to accept help (and ask for it) when I feel like it really is just help, temporarily and from a place of willingness, rather than feeling dependent on another person for whom my dependence becomes an obligation. 

Unfortunately, my PICC likely will not be placed until Monday since the VIR dept. is closed on the weekend except for emergencies. But I've gotten nebs galore, and actual PT 3 times a day, and finally some relief for my poor, aching, overworked back. So far, I'm just doing exactly what my doctor wanted, and just taking a break from the responsibility of top-notch sick care and trying rest and relax. Not thrilled to be here, but I'm already feeling much better and really appreciating having nothing to worry about except getting better.