engh...

So... I haven't forgotten about this thing, I've just been to tired/blah feeling to care. Over three weeks later, I'm still recovering from that God-forsaken virus that's going around, and my head is killing me, and just.won't.stop. I was afraid I was having rebound headaches from being on Advil max-doses round-the-clock for the last few weeks, but those are usually just dull, annoying headaches, not the afraid-my-eyeballs-are-going-to-explode-out-of-their-sockets/small-trolls-in-my-skull-hammering-on-the-inside variety. What with the weather fluctuations around here (nearly 70*F today, predicted high of 43*F tomorrow, etc) I thought it could be a weak migraine, and so I took my Maxalt and it helped, but now it's back and I can't keep wasting my Maxalts unless I KNOW it's a migraine. Perhaps it's all just from coughing so much, I don't know. I'm just frustrated I can't pinpoint the cause, so as to eliminate said cause.

Then last night, I got back into my Hypertonic Saline again for the first time in a week or so (I get pretty wicked reflux when I get sick, and the HTS irritates my throat, and by extension, reflux nonsense too much to fool with it). I was so proud of myself, because even though once I've been doing it a while I feel much better, and I know it's superhelpful and effective, it is miserable getting started. It took me close to an hour to finish it - but finish it I did! - because I had to stop and coughandcoughandcough so much, but I was feeling all proud and badass that I actually finished it all. Well. I then wake up at about 2:00(am) with the telltale gurggle of hemoptysis.

(Sidebar for a moment: while they aren't quite a "normal", routine thing yet, minor bleeds are really not so huge a deal for me, I get them quite easily because my vitamin K level is virtually non-existent, so as long as they don't go onandonandon and don't stop, they are simply a very irritating, gross, and harder-to-pretend-to-hide element of this ridiculous disease.)

Time in. Anywho, I take my vitamin K pill and a baby robitussin pill, as usual, and go back to sleep. Normally, this is all I have to do, and I wake up with a little souvenir crimson and I'm good to go. But this morning, I woke up at 5:45 and it was like 2:00 had never freaking happened! Same scary gurggle, same disturbing bathroom scene, same Vit. K. At this point, I'm afraid to take any more robitussin so I just go in the living room and eat a popsicle while I watch infomercials. The popsicle didn't do anything but make my stupid hypersensitive teeth sting (damn my high school bleaching binge!) so I took my chances with the robitussin and went back to bed. I had high hopes and plans of accomplishment for today, but between the robitussin and Maxalt, I didn't do a whole heck of a lot. Harumph. I hate feeling like I'm just wasting a whole day doing nothing productive OR fun...just watching the clock, waiting for tomorrow, hoping I feel better tomorrow morning than I did today. I really need to wrap up my Law School applications, but writing a personal statement about how badass and brilliant I am, and what an indispensible contribution I would be to the whole of the class is a little difficult to do in a drug-induced stupor...and sock-monkey slippers. I also really need to get back to work, but I'm afraid to call the restaurant and have them put me on the schedule until I know the worst of this is behind me - I can't stand feeling like I'm being flaky because I just can't predict how I'll feel. I can't stand feeling like I can't plan 3 hours from now, let alone the next 3 years. I miss being reliable - screw you, stupid disease.

On the happy front, I'm going to meet Megan for lunch one last time tomorrow before she goes back to Scotland. NOTE TO SELF: REMEMBER HER CHRISTMAS GIFT THIS TIME. Also, I talked her into meeting me at JustFresh, this cute little healthy-ish place nearby that has cold, sweet, tazo green tea and amazing shrimp and grits. I know that probably sounds disgusting if you didn't grow up in the south, but you just have to trust me - amazing. I'm also glad that normal TV is back - Yay DH, Brothers and Sisters, Grey's and...ok, I admit it, I'm going to watch the Bachelor this time. I'm embarrassed at myself for even admitting it, but I think the whole "don't just pick a wife, pick a MOM!" element is equally intriguing and disturbing and I'm interested to see how it plays out. Who knows how long I'll last with the series. Also, I think the Daily Show comes back tonight, which thrills me beyond belief. Even when school and work and life are crazy and I have no time for anything but that and treatments, I still FIND TIME for the Daily Show. (No worries, I don't get my news from the daily show, just in case you, ya know, were worried.) Wow. I just wrote a whole paragraph about my excitement over fresh TV. I reallly can't wait to feel better and get back to having a life.

Sorry this has turned into a rant, I just get so sick of feeling good enough to be aware of the time I'm wasting, but crappy enough that I can't do anything about it. And not having the energy to get excited about much of anything but TV. Speaking of, The Bachelor is about to come on, I'm off to check that out (and maybe make some fruity-pebble-instead-of-rice-krispie-treats. Or maybe just awesome hot chocolate. I don't know...I just want something with melted marshmallow). Good night all, here's hoping tomorrow is a little kinder. :o)